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I just needed to write today. I have so much that is going through my mind and I have no idea how to put them into words. I have to make a big decision that I feel in my heart I have already made just havent been able to put them into words. I dont know why I am the way I am but I dont feel that I am ever going to be able to fully give my heart and emotions to anyone else but my kids. I dont want the closeness of being in a relationship. I enjoy going out having a good time but I dont want someone long term. Its not about being able to go out with whoever I want its about I dont want to feel I have to act a certain way or talk a certain way and I feel like that in a relationship. I feel like that now. Like I have to say stuff that I may not want to say or act like a way that I dont want to act. I should have never left my job here and went to Florida but it was something that I felt I needed to do to make sure that I did try it and I wouldnt have what if"s. But in a way I have what if's anyway cause now I am doing what if I wouldnt have left my job, what if I never went to Florida and visited, what if I never said I love you to a person that I am not in love with. I love him but I am not IN love with him and that is a big difference.
I dont want to hurt him but I dont see that I can be in this anymore. I dont feel I am in a relationship anymore I feel that I am appeasing someone so I dont hurt them. I have been hurt so many times and I have hated it and for me to have to do it to someone else is hard. I am not sure what I am going to tell him when I do talk to him. I am actually afraid that he might do some stupid shit and make me feel responsible for it.