going home

Well I made the decision today that I am going back to Ohio. I hate that I am leaving the warm weather for the cold and the snow but its where I need to be and should be. I gave this Florida thing a try and it just didnt work out right now but that doesnt mean that I cant try it again in a couple of years. It was a hard decision to make but at the same time it was an easy decision. I miss my kids so much and I miss my house and privacy. I love the weather here but my home is where my kids are and that is in Ohio.

spinning out of control

Sometimes I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I dont know what to do to get control of it. I feel so lost and I dont know how to find my way back. I have tried everything but nothing seems to work. I would love to know what I did in another lifetime that this life is so bad. I know that there are ppl in the world that have it worse than I do and for them I am very sorry and pray that things will get better for them but when do things get better for me? I am a relatively nice(unless you make me mad) person and honest. I love my family and would do anything for them but I still have nothing but bad luck it seems. I feel like I am being punished for something that I did and I have no idea what that something is but I think whatever it is I have paid my dues and DESERVE some good(great) luck. I need things to start looking up because I do not know what I am going to do if I dont find a job and get my kids here with me. I am so miserable without them but I cannot go back to Ohio to stay. My body just cannot take the cold anymore. Sometimes I feel like I am 80 years old and I am only 39.
I pray every night that God will help me find a job so I can get my kids down here but nothing has come about yet. I wonder what if I would have never come down here, what would my life be like. The same old life it would have been. I would have been miserable in Ohio now that its cold and me not being happy hurts my kids. Thats the main reason I came down to Florida was because of the weather and my body. I thought I was making the best choice for my kids but now I dont know. The footprint poem says that when you are down and out that God carries you and that you will only see one set of footprints in the sand well I only see one and that is my own. I know they say that God answers our prayers in mysterious ways but come on my life has been nothing but a struggle. It was a struggle in my childhood watching my dad and my mom fight all the time, my dad drinking and beating my mom(numerous times) my mom cheating on my dad, my friends(or so I thought) holding me captive and trying to beat me up while their babysitter sat outside listening to me scream for help. I just feel that I have been given the shaft most of my life and by God I want something great to happen to me and my family and allow me to finally enjoy life the way I am supposed to be. I dont remember really other than the birth of my 2 kids when the last time was that I was truly happy.

I have no idea what to do. I need some divine intervention, I just wished that God listened and would help me out to get my life back on track.

changes

So many changes all around me and I am so done with changes. I have moved 4 times since June. Thankfully there is no furniture to be moved but still all in the same. I no longer work at a place that I felt I was compromising my morals to even work there. That place is a dump and should be demolished. I dont think they will be in business in the near future. I am just glad that I no longer have to work there. Now I have to find another job and quick. It would be nice to find one that has benefits and that is monday through friday with great pay. I want to be able to get my kids down here and get my car fixed so I can have it down here since its better on gas. I dont know what I am going to go if I cant find another job. I dont want to go back to Ohio but if thats the only option that I have left then I guess it will be back to Ohio.