spinning out of control

Sometimes I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I dont know what to do to get control of it. I feel so lost and I dont know how to find my way back. I have tried everything but nothing seems to work. I would love to know what I did in another lifetime that this life is so bad. I know that there are ppl in the world that have it worse than I do and for them I am very sorry and pray that things will get better for them but when do things get better for me? I am a relatively nice(unless you make me mad) person and honest. I love my family and would do anything for them but I still have nothing but bad luck it seems. I feel like I am being punished for something that I did and I have no idea what that something is but I think whatever it is I have paid my dues and DESERVE some good(great) luck. I need things to start looking up because I do not know what I am going to do if I dont find a job and get my kids here with me. I am so miserable without them but I cannot go back to Ohio to stay. My body just cannot take the cold anymore. Sometimes I feel like I am 80 years old and I am only 39.
I pray every night that God will help me find a job so I can get my kids down here but nothing has come about yet. I wonder what if I would have never come down here, what would my life be like. The same old life it would have been. I would have been miserable in Ohio now that its cold and me not being happy hurts my kids. Thats the main reason I came down to Florida was because of the weather and my body. I thought I was making the best choice for my kids but now I dont know. The footprint poem says that when you are down and out that God carries you and that you will only see one set of footprints in the sand well I only see one and that is my own. I know they say that God answers our prayers in mysterious ways but come on my life has been nothing but a struggle. It was a struggle in my childhood watching my dad and my mom fight all the time, my dad drinking and beating my mom(numerous times) my mom cheating on my dad, my friends(or so I thought) holding me captive and trying to beat me up while their babysitter sat outside listening to me scream for help. I just feel that I have been given the shaft most of my life and by God I want something great to happen to me and my family and allow me to finally enjoy life the way I am supposed to be. I dont remember really other than the birth of my 2 kids when the last time was that I was truly happy.

I have no idea what to do. I need some divine intervention, I just wished that God listened and would help me out to get my life back on track.

life sucks the big one at times

I am so depressed right now that I really dont even know what to do. I miss my kids so much and just want to hug and kiss them and hold them forever. The only reason I am staying in Florida is because I have a job here and not in Ohio. I am seriously thinking of going back to Ohio tho because I am working here but not making any money at all! Then my sister tells me that Ohio is supposed to have a very cold winter this year and that is something that I want to avoid. If I had my car I could find a better paying job and not be so stressed like I am right now. I really hope that my friend that I am going to talk to tomorrow may let me borrow $500 to get my car fixed. I dont know what I am going to do if he doesnt. Nothing is ever easy for me. No matter what decision I make or what road I take it always gets messed up! I am so tired of having bad luck only that its really starting to get to me. I should have gotten that $100 bonus at work but no that didnt even work out.
I want to go home and surprise my kids for their birthday party but I dont know how I am going to do that and pay rent and pay the phone bill. That will leave me with like $5 for 2 weeks. So life sucks the big one right now.

Moving on

Well I originally started blogging on my life in Florida since I have moved here and realized that its alot to do with what I have discovered about myself that I started a new blog. I have discovered in the last month that I do not want or need to live with a boyfriend. I am not saying that I dont want a boyfriend but I know for a fact that I do not ever want to live with someone again. I love and valve you my space and when I feel that is being taken from me I shut down emotionally and really push hard away. I moved in with someone that I was dating once before but split up for awhile and in 3 weeks I found that I cannot live with him. Its not that he is a bad guy a little weird and high maintenance but a good guy at heart. Maybe a little obsessive too. So, I am now in Florida and have a job but now need to find somewhere else to live. But doing that is easier said than done. I have only been working for 3 weeks and I get paid every 2 weeks so I havent got a full paycheck yet and most places down here for me and my kids(12yr girl and 8 yr boy) can live is so expensive that I may have to move up around lauderdale area or daytona area where the rent is a little cheaper but that means relocating once again, trying to find a new job and a new place to live without have any money is going to be hard. I fly back to Ohio to get my son who wanted to stay with his dad for the summer and have to make a decision if I am bringing them back with me or if I am going to leave them there so I can stay with a friend in the lauderdale area. I could get a job and save up money to get a place for me and the kids. I have one other option and its getting this job I came across down where I live now that would allow me to work it and keep my other job and be able to afford a place for me and my kids for us to stay down here.
I am so confused on what to do. I want to stay in Florida and not move back to Ohio, so thats not what I am confused about. Do I come back to where I am living now with my kids and be unhappy or do I leave them in Ohio so I can get my shit in order here and bring them into a good situation instead of a very tense situation. It would break my heart to leave them in Ohio but it may be the best thing for them til I can fix the mess that I am in and then bring them down.
Why does this have to be so hard? I will feel like a failure of a mom if they stay in Ohio with their dad but then again I look at it as doing right by them. In Ohio they have a house to call their own, their own room and their friends. In Florida I dont know that I could afford for them to have their own room. My daughter and I would probably have to share a room and my son have his own room, if I could afford a 2 bedroom down here. If I was to get this other job I would be able to get a place within a month or 2 and keep my other job too then I would actually be where I could be comfortable and enjoy life instead of stressing all the time and being miserable.