feeling helpless

I feel so helpless right now. My car is still broken down and I have no money to get it fixed. I am stuck in another state with no real friends and having to depend on a boyfriend that I dont even know I want to be with anymore. I miss my kids and want them here with me now but I dont have the money to do that either. I hate this feeling. How is it my life turned out this way? This is not what it was supposed to be like. I was supposed to have my kids, a great job, nice house in a state that never sees snow and a great car. On another note, I cannot wait to go back and see my kids. They will be so shocked when I show up at the house. I am going to tell them that I thought I should hand deliver their bday money LOL. I dont know tho if I am going to want to come back after being with them for 4 days. I was hoping that Chad would have gotten back to me today and that he will let me borrow the money to get my car fixed so I can drive back and find a job that pays better with benefits. I will probably work parttime at the resort for a few so I can save up some extra money but I need need my car to get another job that pays ALOT better. Then I think about the bonuses that we would get during the busy time of the year and I dont want to miss that so that is why Iwill stay on parttime. I got screwed out of it last month and this month we are not going to get one at all. Which really really sucks. Story of my life tho.

life sucks the big one at times

I am so depressed right now that I really dont even know what to do. I miss my kids so much and just want to hug and kiss them and hold them forever. The only reason I am staying in Florida is because I have a job here and not in Ohio. I am seriously thinking of going back to Ohio tho because I am working here but not making any money at all! Then my sister tells me that Ohio is supposed to have a very cold winter this year and that is something that I want to avoid. If I had my car I could find a better paying job and not be so stressed like I am right now. I really hope that my friend that I am going to talk to tomorrow may let me borrow $500 to get my car fixed. I dont know what I am going to do if he doesnt. Nothing is ever easy for me. No matter what decision I make or what road I take it always gets messed up! I am so tired of having bad luck only that its really starting to get to me. I should have gotten that $100 bonus at work but no that didnt even work out.
I want to go home and surprise my kids for their birthday party but I dont know how I am going to do that and pay rent and pay the phone bill. That will leave me with like $5 for 2 weeks. So life sucks the big one right now.

my dad

My dads birthday is today and its the first one since he passed away in Nov '08. I really missed him so much and wish I could see and talk to him. I talked to my step mom today and she is still a complete mess. I was completely shocked by some of the things that she was telling me on the phone. But I cannot go into on here. Not that anyone cares about this stuff but this is a way for me to get it out of my system. I am so tired right now that I can not even think of what to write. Its my Step Aunt's bday today also she passed away 4 years ago.
Happy bday Dad and Dotty. I love and miss you both very much!!!

lots of drama

Well since Monday its been drama filled for me. I had a couple of friends that live a couple hours north of me come to visit and all hell broke loose man. Monday night was ok til my friend's bf got pissed because we requested Poison and the dude played Every Rose Has Its Thorns. Her bf got so pissed he stormed out of the bar like a 2 yr old would stomp out after being told NO. Well she finally got him calmed down and we dropped them off at the resort and me at my place and my bf went home. The next day we spent the afternoon out on the boat, had a good time then we all went to dinner even better time. We then went to another bar GREAT TIME then back to my bf's house after stopping to get more alcohol. After a few I couldnt take anymore(getting old) so I went to bed and passed out. Well the next morning I found out what all I slept through. I guess my friend's bf started calling her all sort of names and she slapped him across the face and he slapped her so hard that there were still welts of his fingers on her back the next day. So the cops were called and he was arrested. Think the drama ended there WRONG!! We take her to the courthouse he has already been there so we go to the jail and he refuses to see her(really who wouldnt?) but she doesnt have important things like her wallet and he will not give her the keys to get it. The bail bondsman drops him off to his truck and he leaves her there in the keys with no way home and throws out her wallet. Guess what? She cannot get her wallet until Tues because they only have one person that handles personal effects and she isnt in til Tues. So they are mailing it to her bf's house. Yet she isnt supposed to have contact with him til they go to court. How is she going to get her wallet if its mailed to his house and she is to have no contact with him??? pretty messed up if you ask me. No more drama I hate drama!!!

boredom

Now I remember why I didnt like living alone I am soooo BORED its not funny. But in the same breath I love the peace and quiet and not having someone follow me around. I still feel weird renting a room on the bottom of someone's house but I had to get out of living with my bf that was just not working at all. I miss my kids so much though that it makes it hard to get my brain to shut down to go to sleep. I know that I am doing this to better our lives but a part of me feels so bad having them stay in Ohio while I get things going down here. One day I am ready to go back to Ohio and the next I am staying in Florida. I hate having this struggle within myself.

moved into the studio apt

I got my own place so my bf and I wouldnt end up hating each other living together. I moved in 2 nights ago and I must say that I havent lived alone in a long long time. I was originally saying it had been 19 years but I forgot about my little 2 month move to Cincinnati by myself and that was 15 years ago. Still a damn long time. Its weird not having someone around all the time. I like the time to myself right now but I wont be able to stand it for too long and I will have to bring my kids down with me even if its still in the studio apt there is enough sleeping spots for all 3 of us but it would be a little crowded with clothes and stuff. I miss them so much and I cant wait to see them. I am hoping that their dad is going to get my car fixed so I can drive it back when I do fly back up. If not my bf said that he would buy my plane ticket for my birthday so I can go see them regardless of my car being fixed or not. I really hope that he gets it fixed. I HATE and I mean HATE not having a car. I hate to have to depend on others to get me from point A to point B when I want.

staying in Florida

So right now I have decided to stay in Florida and work towards my goal of getting my kids down here with me. I have cried everyday because of them being so far away. I know that I am doing what is best for me and my kids just doesnt feel right with them not being here. I miss them so much that it hurts but I talk to them everyday for a few minutes, they are too busy playing outside to deal with being on the phone. I love them so so much. I can not even begin to describe what I am feeling inside. I feel so empty and alone down here but everything will work out in the end. I hope that my kids do not hate me for doing this and think that I am a bad mom for leaving them with their dad so we could move down here. I really hope that I am making the right decision on staying here and trying to make this work. Like my brother told me in a text today that he was proud of me for living the question rather than just asking it.