being back in Ohio

I have been back in Ohio since 7-29 and have really enjoyed myself so far. I have made the decision to go back to Florida without my kids so I can bust my butt working to save up money to get us a place and bring my kids down with me as soon as I can. This decision is the hardest decision that I have had to EVER make and I still dont know if I am doing the right thing but one thing I know is I have a job in Florida and that will help me get my car fixed and then if I decide not to stay in Florida at least my car will be fixed and I can look for another job here in Ohio but I so do not want to be here for another winter, my body can not take it. I hope that my kids understand that I am not just doing this for me but for them also. I think they will like living in Florida where its warm all year round.
Now to the whole point of this blog was about moving on from the relationship that I am in so to speak. Well once I am back in Florida and the place I am going to be moving too becomes available that relationship is going to be done. I have so much anger and resentment towards him now. Him telling me that I couldnt use his truck to get back and forth to work is the reason my kids are not coming back to Florida with me. If he would have said yes then the kids would be coming down with me now instead of a few months.

back in Ohio for now

So, I got back into Ohio this evening. After a minor delay waiting to take off because of a storm, its quite boring sitting on a plane for an hour knowing that you are not going anywhere. I ran down the stairs and dropped everything in my hands and grabbed my son and hugged and kissed him and twirled him around. He is so cute. I missed him so much. He has talked my ear off since I got off the plane but we have a lot to catch up on even though we talked every day. lol I am going back to Florida to my job but my kids are staying in Ohio with their dad until I can save up enough to get up a place that we all can live in. Right now it looks like I am going to be renting month to month this studio apt which is ok for now but I want my kids with me. I will be working my butt off to get them down there. The thing with the bf is OVER and done. I am still so mad on how he started treating me after I told him that I didnt want to live with him anymore but that if I got my own place we could continue to see each other and see where it goes and you would think he would be happy but no he turned into a major dick. Well I am beat and I am going to sleep in my nice cozy bed.

still mad

I am still so upset. I still have such a major decision to be made. I want to be with my kids but I need to be where my job is. I have never felt so lost as I do right now. I really just want to disappear until I wake up from this nightmare. This cant be really happening, it has to be a bad nightmare. My car is screwed up and God only knows how much its going to cost to fix it. I have to leave my kids in another state almost 1300 miles away if I come back to the job that I have here. I just really dont know what I am going to do. Part of me wants to stay in Ohio because of my kids, but part of me needs to be in Florida where my job is but my kids will not be here. I dont know how that will make me feel after being away from them for a long time. I never pictured my life like this and I hate that its come down to this.
I know alot of ppl have it worse than I do and I am thankful for what I have but I would so love the bad karma to go away and let me have some good karma for a change. I really feel at times that I have done something so horrible in another life that I am still paying for it now and will always be paying for it. I just wish that I would already paid that debt off and be able to be happy and not a miserable crying mess. Not that money will change all of my problems but it sure would take care of the problems that I am having now. It would fix my car, it would get me a place for me and my kids to live here in florida and have my kids with me where they belong.
I am almost at my wits end and about to throw my hands up and call truce but I am not that weak person I am very strong and will make it through this just need a little help to make it happen a little faster than its going too.

just so so soooooooooo mad

Wow I found out today what a true dick my boyfriend really is. Originally when I moved down here I was going to bring my car but then my car broke down and I drove my boyfriends truck down that was still in Ohio. I fly back to Ohio tomorrow and find out today that my car is not fixed and probably wont be fixed. So now I am stuck with making a very diffucult decision. Do I stay in Ohio and look for another job there or do I leave my kids with their dad and come back down to Florida where I HAVE a job and save up money to get my kids down here as soon as I can? I dont want to be without my kids but it would only be temporary til I can save money to get them down here. Now my boyfriend is telling me that when I come back to Florida that I can not use his truck anymore. Which if it wasnt for my car breaking down and me driving his truck from Ohio to Florida for him then he wouldnt even have his truck. IT would still be in Ohio. I just cannot believe that he actually told me that I couldnt use his truck anymore. Again if it wasnt for me he wouldnt have it to use anyways. It would still be sitting at his brothers house.
He is mad cause its not working out with us living together but we had agreed we would still try to make the relationship work well now I dont want that at all. If he wanted me to hate him then he has accomplished that. I do not even want to see him right now I am that mad.

cars suck

My car broke down the night before I was to move to Florida. The timing chain broke and I had a friend that said he could fix it, well he could fix it if the 4th valve would close all the way. He said its about 1/4 inch shy of closing. He is still working on it tonight but I fly back to Ohio on Weds with right now no way back. I dont want to buy a ticket back if he can fix my car and then lose money on a ticket I dont need to use. But if he doesnt get my car fixed then I have to spend more money on a ticket since its last minute. I cannot stay in Ohio, I have a job here and a possible second job so I need to come back. What the hell am I going to do ? If I have to fly back that means I have to leave my kids in Ohio and I am not happy about that at all.

Moving on

Well I originally started blogging on my life in Florida since I have moved here and realized that its alot to do with what I have discovered about myself that I started a new blog. I have discovered in the last month that I do not want or need to live with a boyfriend. I am not saying that I dont want a boyfriend but I know for a fact that I do not ever want to live with someone again. I love and valve you my space and when I feel that is being taken from me I shut down emotionally and really push hard away. I moved in with someone that I was dating once before but split up for awhile and in 3 weeks I found that I cannot live with him. Its not that he is a bad guy a little weird and high maintenance but a good guy at heart. Maybe a little obsessive too. So, I am now in Florida and have a job but now need to find somewhere else to live. But doing that is easier said than done. I have only been working for 3 weeks and I get paid every 2 weeks so I havent got a full paycheck yet and most places down here for me and my kids(12yr girl and 8 yr boy) can live is so expensive that I may have to move up around lauderdale area or daytona area where the rent is a little cheaper but that means relocating once again, trying to find a new job and a new place to live without have any money is going to be hard. I fly back to Ohio to get my son who wanted to stay with his dad for the summer and have to make a decision if I am bringing them back with me or if I am going to leave them there so I can stay with a friend in the lauderdale area. I could get a job and save up money to get a place for me and the kids. I have one other option and its getting this job I came across down where I live now that would allow me to work it and keep my other job and be able to afford a place for me and my kids for us to stay down here.
I am so confused on what to do. I want to stay in Florida and not move back to Ohio, so thats not what I am confused about. Do I come back to where I am living now with my kids and be unhappy or do I leave them in Ohio so I can get my shit in order here and bring them into a good situation instead of a very tense situation. It would break my heart to leave them in Ohio but it may be the best thing for them til I can fix the mess that I am in and then bring them down.
Why does this have to be so hard? I will feel like a failure of a mom if they stay in Ohio with their dad but then again I look at it as doing right by them. In Ohio they have a house to call their own, their own room and their friends. In Florida I dont know that I could afford for them to have their own room. My daughter and I would probably have to share a room and my son have his own room, if I could afford a 2 bedroom down here. If I was to get this other job I would be able to get a place within a month or 2 and keep my other job too then I would actually be where I could be comfortable and enjoy life instead of stressing all the time and being miserable.