wow life sure does suck at times

I swear if it wasnt for bad luck I would have no luck at all. I am so broke right now that I can not even afford to buy toilet paper let alone food. My mom is mad at me and not talking to me because she thinks that I am always out to prove her wrong which isnt the case. I was just trying to get the correct information so her and I would both be on the same page but wow that so backfired in my face. She makes me feel like I am such a lousy daughter. If I wasnt as strong as I am I would have ended my life a long time ago but I have so much to live for but sometimes its hard not to just want to be gone and have noone know where you are. She stressing me out about stupid crap sometimes. And when you do tell her something that you know is right she gets mad because you are proving her wrong. Wtf? I cant win for losing with her anymore. Sometimes I do think that it would be better if I did just disappear, seems like ppl would be happier without me in their lives.
I have so much stress right now on how the hell I am going to eat and afford toilet paper to have her add this on top of me is almost unbearable. I dont feel that I am as strong as I used to be. I have lost some of my will and I dont know how to get it back. OH well life goes on right? yeah lets just hope it gets better. I am going for a walk.

new info

My daughter let me know tonight that she does not want to move to Florida now. She said that her and her dad were not fighting anymore and that she likes winter and wants to stay there. I can honestly say that I am hurt that they would not want to come down here with me. Tim and I were talking tonight and I said to him that if my kids would not come down here during the winter months that I would have to go back to Ohio. I told him my kids are what keep me from killing myself. If I didnt have my kids down here with me then I am never going to be happy at all. I want my kids here with me now and not later but I have to be patient to get them down here unless they still dont want to come down here. I will be devastated if they dont come down here with me. I dont know what I am going to do. I seriously have no idea what to do.

sometimes life sucks the big one

I am so tired of working my ass off and being broke. I cannot ask for anymore help from my family so right now I am screwed. My checking account is a negative $65 because of my student loan going in a few days early and I have no money to put into my account to bring it back to the plus side. I have noone that I can ask for help. I dont even know why I continue to try. I am to the point I just want to give up and just disappear. Sometimes I think it would be better for my kids if I wasnt here to drag them down in my stupid and impulsive ideas that I have. I just wish there was some way that my life would get better and I wouldnt have to worry about money on a daily basis. I am so tired of being sad and depressed that something has to change and soon or I dont know what will happen.
This move was supposed to have been a good move but its been nothing like that. I possibly think this could have been the worse decision that I could have ever made. But I cannot go back to Ohio. Not only can I not handle the weather anymore but that would just make me a failure. Guess that makes me a big failure since I have kids that this is concerning. I dont know how I became such a failure on almost everything that I do. I have some happiness in my life but for the most part my life has been miserable and I would really like to know what I did in this life or a previous life that would make this life so hard and miserable.

Happy Bday to my little girl who is not so little anymore

Happy 13th Bday to my daughter. I cant believe that she is 13. I am just so sad that I am not there to share it with her. I miss her and her brother so much that it hurts. I dont know what I am doing here when I should be home with them. Anyways Happy bday to my little girl who is not so little anymore. I love you soooooooooooooo much.

depending on others

I absolutely hate that I have to depend on ppl to take me and take me there. I wish I could come up with the money to get my car fixed so I do not have to depend on anyone to take me anywhere. I could get a better paying job if I had my car, I could get my kids down here faster if I had my car so I could get another job. Life really sucks right now and I dont know how to change it. Part of me wants to go back to Ohio but thats only because its easier to go back to what I know than to stay here and fight for what I want. All this stress is taking its toll on me. I feel sick to my stomach constantly and have a permanent headache from worrying so much. Normally I can find a way out of the situation that I have gotten myself into but this one is different than most. Its been forever since I have been this dependent on anyone else and I am so independent, its so hard to ask for help.

Happy Bday to my little man

Happy 9th bday to my little man Riley. I miss them so much. I cant wait to see them in 11 days. Noone in my family knows anything about me coming home on the 12th. I am so excited and want it to be this Saturday that I see them but I have to be patient and wait 11 days. UGH. I just want to hug and kiss them and hold them forever. I never imagined that I would be this far away from them. If Tim takes that job on the ship then I could get them down here so much faster cause I would be able to have the house for us to live in. I would love to get them down here but I know that they wont want to leave right now. Riley has his friends there and Nelika is involved in soccer now. Part of me wonders if I wouldnt have done this move what my life would be like right now.

Happy bday Riley, I love you sooooooooooo much