??

I just needed to write today. I have so much that is going through my mind and I have no idea how to put them into words. I have to make a big decision that I feel in my heart I have already made just havent been able to put them into words. I dont know why I am the way I am but I dont feel that I am ever going to be able to fully give my heart and emotions to anyone else but my kids. I dont want the closeness of being in a relationship. I enjoy going out having a good time but I dont want someone long term. Its not about being able to go out with whoever I want its about I dont want to feel I have to act a certain way or talk a certain way and I feel like that in a relationship. I feel like that now. Like I have to say stuff that I may not want to say or act like a way that I dont want to act. I should have never left my job here and went to Florida but it was something that I felt I needed to do to make sure that I did try it and I wouldnt have what if"s. But in a way I have what if's anyway cause now I am doing what if I wouldnt have left my job, what if I never went to Florida and visited, what if I never said I love you to a person that I am not in love with. I love him but I am not IN love with him and that is a big difference.
I dont want to hurt him but I dont see that I can be in this anymore. I dont feel I am in a relationship anymore I feel that I am appeasing someone so I dont hurt them. I have been hurt so many times and I have hated it and for me to have to do it to someone else is hard. I am not sure what I am going to tell him when I do talk to him. I am actually afraid that he might do some stupid shit and make me feel responsible for it.

omg did I just witness what I think I did??

So I haven't written for a while but mainly been hanging out around the house with the kids. BUT today marked something that I have only seen on tv and shows like Maury and Jerry Springer. A good friend of mine had a baby shower today and she was so drunk that she wasnt able to stand, she fell off the bar stool cause she was so drunk. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE was talking about her being drunk. How the hell can you do that to an unborn baby ? I have so many emotions going through me right now about this that I think it will take me a couple of days to digest what the hell just happened. I feel embarrassed for her and at the same time I am pissed I feel bad for the baby NOT my friend. Everyone just sat there and watched her being so drunk and not one person said anything to her til she started doing jello shots and I finally said something(not so nicely) to her. She looked at me like she didnt give a crap what I was saying and she had started to sober up some but was still drunk enough to fall off a bar stool and that sent her mom walking out the door. All of this happened in front of so many ppl. I was so upset and angry that I was shaking and its something that I can not get out of my mind. I am just like wow I cant believe I just saw what I saw. I hope that when the baby is born its healthy and doesnt have any problems due to her drinking cause God only knows how many times she has done this. I dont know how her husband is going to handle this. If I was him I would be seriously considering getting her help cause to me her being drunk and being THAT drunk 6 months pregnant at her baby shower in front of everyone shows she is an alcoholic and she needs some serious help!!

going home

Well I made the decision today that I am going back to Ohio. I hate that I am leaving the warm weather for the cold and the snow but its where I need to be and should be. I gave this Florida thing a try and it just didnt work out right now but that doesnt mean that I cant try it again in a couple of years. It was a hard decision to make but at the same time it was an easy decision. I miss my kids so much and I miss my house and privacy. I love the weather here but my home is where my kids are and that is in Ohio.

spinning out of control

Sometimes I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I dont know what to do to get control of it. I feel so lost and I dont know how to find my way back. I have tried everything but nothing seems to work. I would love to know what I did in another lifetime that this life is so bad. I know that there are ppl in the world that have it worse than I do and for them I am very sorry and pray that things will get better for them but when do things get better for me? I am a relatively nice(unless you make me mad) person and honest. I love my family and would do anything for them but I still have nothing but bad luck it seems. I feel like I am being punished for something that I did and I have no idea what that something is but I think whatever it is I have paid my dues and DESERVE some good(great) luck. I need things to start looking up because I do not know what I am going to do if I dont find a job and get my kids here with me. I am so miserable without them but I cannot go back to Ohio to stay. My body just cannot take the cold anymore. Sometimes I feel like I am 80 years old and I am only 39.
I pray every night that God will help me find a job so I can get my kids down here but nothing has come about yet. I wonder what if I would have never come down here, what would my life be like. The same old life it would have been. I would have been miserable in Ohio now that its cold and me not being happy hurts my kids. Thats the main reason I came down to Florida was because of the weather and my body. I thought I was making the best choice for my kids but now I dont know. The footprint poem says that when you are down and out that God carries you and that you will only see one set of footprints in the sand well I only see one and that is my own. I know they say that God answers our prayers in mysterious ways but come on my life has been nothing but a struggle. It was a struggle in my childhood watching my dad and my mom fight all the time, my dad drinking and beating my mom(numerous times) my mom cheating on my dad, my friends(or so I thought) holding me captive and trying to beat me up while their babysitter sat outside listening to me scream for help. I just feel that I have been given the shaft most of my life and by God I want something great to happen to me and my family and allow me to finally enjoy life the way I am supposed to be. I dont remember really other than the birth of my 2 kids when the last time was that I was truly happy.

I have no idea what to do. I need some divine intervention, I just wished that God listened and would help me out to get my life back on track.

changes

So many changes all around me and I am so done with changes. I have moved 4 times since June. Thankfully there is no furniture to be moved but still all in the same. I no longer work at a place that I felt I was compromising my morals to even work there. That place is a dump and should be demolished. I dont think they will be in business in the near future. I am just glad that I no longer have to work there. Now I have to find another job and quick. It would be nice to find one that has benefits and that is monday through friday with great pay. I want to be able to get my kids down here and get my car fixed so I can have it down here since its better on gas. I dont know what I am going to go if I cant find another job. I dont want to go back to Ohio but if thats the only option that I have left then I guess it will be back to Ohio.

wow life sure does suck at times

I swear if it wasnt for bad luck I would have no luck at all. I am so broke right now that I can not even afford to buy toilet paper let alone food. My mom is mad at me and not talking to me because she thinks that I am always out to prove her wrong which isnt the case. I was just trying to get the correct information so her and I would both be on the same page but wow that so backfired in my face. She makes me feel like I am such a lousy daughter. If I wasnt as strong as I am I would have ended my life a long time ago but I have so much to live for but sometimes its hard not to just want to be gone and have noone know where you are. She stressing me out about stupid crap sometimes. And when you do tell her something that you know is right she gets mad because you are proving her wrong. Wtf? I cant win for losing with her anymore. Sometimes I do think that it would be better if I did just disappear, seems like ppl would be happier without me in their lives.
I have so much stress right now on how the hell I am going to eat and afford toilet paper to have her add this on top of me is almost unbearable. I dont feel that I am as strong as I used to be. I have lost some of my will and I dont know how to get it back. OH well life goes on right? yeah lets just hope it gets better. I am going for a walk.

new info

My daughter let me know tonight that she does not want to move to Florida now. She said that her and her dad were not fighting anymore and that she likes winter and wants to stay there. I can honestly say that I am hurt that they would not want to come down here with me. Tim and I were talking tonight and I said to him that if my kids would not come down here during the winter months that I would have to go back to Ohio. I told him my kids are what keep me from killing myself. If I didnt have my kids down here with me then I am never going to be happy at all. I want my kids here with me now and not later but I have to be patient to get them down here unless they still dont want to come down here. I will be devastated if they dont come down here with me. I dont know what I am going to do. I seriously have no idea what to do.