feeling helpless

I feel so helpless right now. My car is still broken down and I have no money to get it fixed. I am stuck in another state with no real friends and having to depend on a boyfriend that I dont even know I want to be with anymore. I miss my kids and want them here with me now but I dont have the money to do that either. I hate this feeling. How is it my life turned out this way? This is not what it was supposed to be like. I was supposed to have my kids, a great job, nice house in a state that never sees snow and a great car. On another note, I cannot wait to go back and see my kids. They will be so shocked when I show up at the house. I am going to tell them that I thought I should hand deliver their bday money LOL. I dont know tho if I am going to want to come back after being with them for 4 days. I was hoping that Chad would have gotten back to me today and that he will let me borrow the money to get my car fixed so I can drive back and find a job that pays better with benefits. I will probably work parttime at the resort for a few so I can save up some extra money but I need need my car to get another job that pays ALOT better. Then I think about the bonuses that we would get during the busy time of the year and I dont want to miss that so that is why Iwill stay on parttime. I got screwed out of it last month and this month we are not going to get one at all. Which really really sucks. Story of my life tho.

life sucks the big one at times

I am so depressed right now that I really dont even know what to do. I miss my kids so much and just want to hug and kiss them and hold them forever. The only reason I am staying in Florida is because I have a job here and not in Ohio. I am seriously thinking of going back to Ohio tho because I am working here but not making any money at all! Then my sister tells me that Ohio is supposed to have a very cold winter this year and that is something that I want to avoid. If I had my car I could find a better paying job and not be so stressed like I am right now. I really hope that my friend that I am going to talk to tomorrow may let me borrow $500 to get my car fixed. I dont know what I am going to do if he doesnt. Nothing is ever easy for me. No matter what decision I make or what road I take it always gets messed up! I am so tired of having bad luck only that its really starting to get to me. I should have gotten that $100 bonus at work but no that didnt even work out.
I want to go home and surprise my kids for their birthday party but I dont know how I am going to do that and pay rent and pay the phone bill. That will leave me with like $5 for 2 weeks. So life sucks the big one right now.

my dad

My dads birthday is today and its the first one since he passed away in Nov '08. I really missed him so much and wish I could see and talk to him. I talked to my step mom today and she is still a complete mess. I was completely shocked by some of the things that she was telling me on the phone. But I cannot go into on here. Not that anyone cares about this stuff but this is a way for me to get it out of my system. I am so tired right now that I can not even think of what to write. Its my Step Aunt's bday today also she passed away 4 years ago.
Happy bday Dad and Dotty. I love and miss you both very much!!!

lots of drama

Well since Monday its been drama filled for me. I had a couple of friends that live a couple hours north of me come to visit and all hell broke loose man. Monday night was ok til my friend's bf got pissed because we requested Poison and the dude played Every Rose Has Its Thorns. Her bf got so pissed he stormed out of the bar like a 2 yr old would stomp out after being told NO. Well she finally got him calmed down and we dropped them off at the resort and me at my place and my bf went home. The next day we spent the afternoon out on the boat, had a good time then we all went to dinner even better time. We then went to another bar GREAT TIME then back to my bf's house after stopping to get more alcohol. After a few I couldnt take anymore(getting old) so I went to bed and passed out. Well the next morning I found out what all I slept through. I guess my friend's bf started calling her all sort of names and she slapped him across the face and he slapped her so hard that there were still welts of his fingers on her back the next day. So the cops were called and he was arrested. Think the drama ended there WRONG!! We take her to the courthouse he has already been there so we go to the jail and he refuses to see her(really who wouldnt?) but she doesnt have important things like her wallet and he will not give her the keys to get it. The bail bondsman drops him off to his truck and he leaves her there in the keys with no way home and throws out her wallet. Guess what? She cannot get her wallet until Tues because they only have one person that handles personal effects and she isnt in til Tues. So they are mailing it to her bf's house. Yet she isnt supposed to have contact with him til they go to court. How is she going to get her wallet if its mailed to his house and she is to have no contact with him??? pretty messed up if you ask me. No more drama I hate drama!!!

boredom

Now I remember why I didnt like living alone I am soooo BORED its not funny. But in the same breath I love the peace and quiet and not having someone follow me around. I still feel weird renting a room on the bottom of someone's house but I had to get out of living with my bf that was just not working at all. I miss my kids so much though that it makes it hard to get my brain to shut down to go to sleep. I know that I am doing this to better our lives but a part of me feels so bad having them stay in Ohio while I get things going down here. One day I am ready to go back to Ohio and the next I am staying in Florida. I hate having this struggle within myself.

moved into the studio apt

I got my own place so my bf and I wouldnt end up hating each other living together. I moved in 2 nights ago and I must say that I havent lived alone in a long long time. I was originally saying it had been 19 years but I forgot about my little 2 month move to Cincinnati by myself and that was 15 years ago. Still a damn long time. Its weird not having someone around all the time. I like the time to myself right now but I wont be able to stand it for too long and I will have to bring my kids down with me even if its still in the studio apt there is enough sleeping spots for all 3 of us but it would be a little crowded with clothes and stuff. I miss them so much and I cant wait to see them. I am hoping that their dad is going to get my car fixed so I can drive it back when I do fly back up. If not my bf said that he would buy my plane ticket for my birthday so I can go see them regardless of my car being fixed or not. I really hope that he gets it fixed. I HATE and I mean HATE not having a car. I hate to have to depend on others to get me from point A to point B when I want.

staying in Florida

So right now I have decided to stay in Florida and work towards my goal of getting my kids down here with me. I have cried everyday because of them being so far away. I know that I am doing what is best for me and my kids just doesnt feel right with them not being here. I miss them so much that it hurts but I talk to them everyday for a few minutes, they are too busy playing outside to deal with being on the phone. I love them so so much. I can not even begin to describe what I am feeling inside. I feel so empty and alone down here but everything will work out in the end. I hope that my kids do not hate me for doing this and think that I am a bad mom for leaving them with their dad so we could move down here. I really hope that I am making the right decision on staying here and trying to make this work. Like my brother told me in a text today that he was proud of me for living the question rather than just asking it.

stressed beyond belief

I feel like I am going to throw up, I am that stressed right now. I so want to be in Florida but I do not want to be here without my kids. I dont want to be in Ohio but that is where my kids are. I can stay down here and do the original plan and work my butt off and get us a place and then bring them down but you are talking like 6 months before that will happen. Then on the other hand, I can go back to Ohio, if I can work it out to get my son to come down for like 3 days and then I could fly back with him and just stay in Ohio. I would have to look for another job but I would be living in my own house and not paying someone else's mortgage again. Lord I do not know what to do. I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see what the future for me and my kids is. That would make this whole process a little easier to handle. I just dont want my kids thinking that I have abandoned them or that I dont want to be with them. I want to be with them so much but I had to do this for me because I was(am) miserable in Ohio. I feel that if I leave Florida and go back to Ohio that I am a failure so I feel screwed no matter what choice I make. I am so not sure what I am going to do but I do know that I am not going to rush this decision. I dont think that it would be wise because I rushed the move here and that didnt work out so well for me as of yet. Maybe I will stay for a couple of months and then I will go back but that puts me going back in the freaking cold winter months and that is what I am trying to avoid is the winters in Ohio. Yeah so not sure what I am going to do.

might just have made my decision

Its almost 2 am and I can not sleep. My mind will not shut down. I think that I have come to the conclusion that I need to go back to Ohio. I really dont want too but that is where I need to be. I need to be with my kids! I love Florida but if my kids are not here then I dont want to be either. Its going to be a pain in the ass finding a new job, trying to get my car fixed but at least I will be with my kids in OUR house. Just how am I going to get back with all my stuff that is here with my in Florida? I cant take it on the plane unless I pay like an extra $100 or $150 to ship it on the plane. It would be cheaper than driving down and driving back to Ohio but me driving back down gives me the ability to bring my son down here since he didnt get to see Florida. Now my mind is going in all directions trying to think of a way to get him to be able to come down for at least a couple of days. I just spent about 30 minutes online checking on flights for my son to come down at the end of the month. He could fly in and spend the weekend with me and then we both could fly back together. $234.60 for his roundtrip and my one way ticket back to Ohio. Then on top of that I will have to pay for more checked luggage so its going to cost me about $400 dollars. So it might have to be a few before I am able to get home but the extra isnt due til we actually check the luggage at the aiport so all I would have to come up with right now is for the tickets and then I will get a check on the 28th and that will pay for the luggage. Sounds like a plan I think. I dont know that my son will like flying for his first time by himself, so that might not work unless he really wants to see Florida. I will probably change my mind tomorrow lol

Self Struggle

I am so struggling with what decision I need to make. Do I go back to Ohio where my kids are or do I stay in Florida and work my butt off to get my kids here? Ohio doesnt make me happy. The winters there just kill my body anymore. Florida makes me happy but my kids are not here with me yet. This isnt how it was supposed to work out. I left a very good paying job(in THIS economy) left my house that I am paying on in Ohio to move down to Florida. I moved here with the idea that things were going to work for me and my bf, we found a house big enough for me, my 2 kids and him. After about 3 weeks of living together we both realized that we could not live with each other, it was not a very good thing. We are much better when we are not together all the time. So now I am at another fork in the road, do I stay in Florida or just go back to Ohio? Part of me wants to go back to Ohio(for my kids only) but I know that I will not be happy in Ohio anymore. Part of me wants to stay in Florida and work at getting my kids down here with me but that is going to take time to accomplish. My life is never easy. I just really dont know what to do. I wish I had a crystal ball and could see the future it would be so much easier. If we are talking about wishing, I wish I would just win the lottery already and then everything I want to happen in my life can. Wishful thinking, just as I said before my life has never been easy like that.

kids and everything else

Just got a call from the kids' dad that he has to take our daughter to the ER because he thinks she may have jacked her nose up by hitting her nose with her knee on a trampoline. NO insurance anymore so this hospital bill is going to be outrageous!!! I dont even want that bill. But she has to go to have it looked at. I hate that I am not in Ohio with the kids and I am really thinking of going back to Ohio but I so do not want to go through another winter. My body can not handle the cold at all anymore. On the same hand though its nice to have time to myself down here. Maybe I will find out who I really am and be a happier person. I will not be happy til I get my kids down here and get my car fixed. I stopped and bought a lottery ticket today so hopefully I will win HAHA yeah right lol but a girl can dream. I had a job interview today for a job that probably had 100 applicants for it so I dont think that I am going to get it. That really sucks too cause the money would have been good and I could keep my fulltime job at the resort and be able to get my car fixed and get my kids down here faster. If I win the lottery I would buy a house here in the Keys and have my kids here in a couple of days, pay my house in Ohio off, pay off my car and buy a brand new car, help my family out and go on a month long vacation to another country. I want to see so many places but dont have the resources to do it right now. COME ON FLORIDA LOTTERY CALL MY NUMBERS LOL

so confused

I am having trouble sleeping tonight. I leave for Florida tomorrow without my kids. I know that I am doing this so I can work my butt off so I can get them down there with me. I dont know how I am going to survive without them. I think that this is going to be THE hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life. Part of me doesnt want to go but I dont have a job here and with the way the job market is its hard to tell how long it would take me to get another job. I have a job in Florida just not enough money to get a place big enough for all 3 of us to live in. I dont want to be without my kids but I am trying to better their lives and sometimes we have to make sacrifices that we dont want to make to meet our goals. I know I am going to be a mess tomorrow having to say good bye to them for what seems like is going to be forever but I will work all day and night if it means that they move there with me sooner than later. I love my kids with all of my heart and soul and I dont know that I can move 1300 miles away for a couple of months until I can get them down there with me. I have a feeling that I will go back to Florida and decide that I cant be without them and just come back to Ohio. I will be miserable but at least I will be with my kids.

busy couple of days

I have been so busy the last couple of days. I cant wait to get back to Florida to rest. Got in on wed night, went to the fair all day thurs then saw Jeff Dunham and Guitar Guy at the Ohio State Fair. It was so much fun. My face and stomach hurt the next day from laughing so much thurs night. Friday night I went out to see a friend that works in a bar, had 2 drinks and then had to leave. She got into an accident friday night on her way home from work. She got hit by a semi and freaked out and left the scene. She is pregnant and just freaked out. Thankfully she is ok. Its Saturday night and I am sitting at the house writing in this blog, oh what I life I led. So, now back to leaving without my kids. I dont know how I am going to do this without having a break down. Its going to be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do in my life. You can not even begin to understand what I am going through unless you have lived it. I really wanted to go see Tonya tonight but that didnt work out. My tooth is killing me and I wanted to get a pain pill from her.