??

I just needed to write today. I have so much that is going through my mind and I have no idea how to put them into words. I have to make a big decision that I feel in my heart I have already made just havent been able to put them into words. I dont know why I am the way I am but I dont feel that I am ever going to be able to fully give my heart and emotions to anyone else but my kids. I dont want the closeness of being in a relationship. I enjoy going out having a good time but I dont want someone long term. Its not about being able to go out with whoever I want its about I dont want to feel I have to act a certain way or talk a certain way and I feel like that in a relationship. I feel like that now. Like I have to say stuff that I may not want to say or act like a way that I dont want to act. I should have never left my job here and went to Florida but it was something that I felt I needed to do to make sure that I did try it and I wouldnt have what if"s. But in a way I have what if's anyway cause now I am doing what if I wouldnt have left my job, what if I never went to Florida and visited, what if I never said I love you to a person that I am not in love with. I love him but I am not IN love with him and that is a big difference.
I dont want to hurt him but I dont see that I can be in this anymore. I dont feel I am in a relationship anymore I feel that I am appeasing someone so I dont hurt them. I have been hurt so many times and I have hated it and for me to have to do it to someone else is hard. I am not sure what I am going to tell him when I do talk to him. I am actually afraid that he might do some stupid shit and make me feel responsible for it.

omg did I just witness what I think I did??

So I haven't written for a while but mainly been hanging out around the house with the kids. BUT today marked something that I have only seen on tv and shows like Maury and Jerry Springer. A good friend of mine had a baby shower today and she was so drunk that she wasnt able to stand, she fell off the bar stool cause she was so drunk. Everyone and I mean EVERYONE was talking about her being drunk. How the hell can you do that to an unborn baby ? I have so many emotions going through me right now about this that I think it will take me a couple of days to digest what the hell just happened. I feel embarrassed for her and at the same time I am pissed I feel bad for the baby NOT my friend. Everyone just sat there and watched her being so drunk and not one person said anything to her til she started doing jello shots and I finally said something(not so nicely) to her. She looked at me like she didnt give a crap what I was saying and she had started to sober up some but was still drunk enough to fall off a bar stool and that sent her mom walking out the door. All of this happened in front of so many ppl. I was so upset and angry that I was shaking and its something that I can not get out of my mind. I am just like wow I cant believe I just saw what I saw. I hope that when the baby is born its healthy and doesnt have any problems due to her drinking cause God only knows how many times she has done this. I dont know how her husband is going to handle this. If I was him I would be seriously considering getting her help cause to me her being drunk and being THAT drunk 6 months pregnant at her baby shower in front of everyone shows she is an alcoholic and she needs some serious help!!

going home

Well I made the decision today that I am going back to Ohio. I hate that I am leaving the warm weather for the cold and the snow but its where I need to be and should be. I gave this Florida thing a try and it just didnt work out right now but that doesnt mean that I cant try it again in a couple of years. It was a hard decision to make but at the same time it was an easy decision. I miss my kids so much and I miss my house and privacy. I love the weather here but my home is where my kids are and that is in Ohio.

spinning out of control

Sometimes I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I dont know what to do to get control of it. I feel so lost and I dont know how to find my way back. I have tried everything but nothing seems to work. I would love to know what I did in another lifetime that this life is so bad. I know that there are ppl in the world that have it worse than I do and for them I am very sorry and pray that things will get better for them but when do things get better for me? I am a relatively nice(unless you make me mad) person and honest. I love my family and would do anything for them but I still have nothing but bad luck it seems. I feel like I am being punished for something that I did and I have no idea what that something is but I think whatever it is I have paid my dues and DESERVE some good(great) luck. I need things to start looking up because I do not know what I am going to do if I dont find a job and get my kids here with me. I am so miserable without them but I cannot go back to Ohio to stay. My body just cannot take the cold anymore. Sometimes I feel like I am 80 years old and I am only 39.
I pray every night that God will help me find a job so I can get my kids down here but nothing has come about yet. I wonder what if I would have never come down here, what would my life be like. The same old life it would have been. I would have been miserable in Ohio now that its cold and me not being happy hurts my kids. Thats the main reason I came down to Florida was because of the weather and my body. I thought I was making the best choice for my kids but now I dont know. The footprint poem says that when you are down and out that God carries you and that you will only see one set of footprints in the sand well I only see one and that is my own. I know they say that God answers our prayers in mysterious ways but come on my life has been nothing but a struggle. It was a struggle in my childhood watching my dad and my mom fight all the time, my dad drinking and beating my mom(numerous times) my mom cheating on my dad, my friends(or so I thought) holding me captive and trying to beat me up while their babysitter sat outside listening to me scream for help. I just feel that I have been given the shaft most of my life and by God I want something great to happen to me and my family and allow me to finally enjoy life the way I am supposed to be. I dont remember really other than the birth of my 2 kids when the last time was that I was truly happy.

I have no idea what to do. I need some divine intervention, I just wished that God listened and would help me out to get my life back on track.

changes

So many changes all around me and I am so done with changes. I have moved 4 times since June. Thankfully there is no furniture to be moved but still all in the same. I no longer work at a place that I felt I was compromising my morals to even work there. That place is a dump and should be demolished. I dont think they will be in business in the near future. I am just glad that I no longer have to work there. Now I have to find another job and quick. It would be nice to find one that has benefits and that is monday through friday with great pay. I want to be able to get my kids down here and get my car fixed so I can have it down here since its better on gas. I dont know what I am going to go if I cant find another job. I dont want to go back to Ohio but if thats the only option that I have left then I guess it will be back to Ohio.

wow life sure does suck at times

I swear if it wasnt for bad luck I would have no luck at all. I am so broke right now that I can not even afford to buy toilet paper let alone food. My mom is mad at me and not talking to me because she thinks that I am always out to prove her wrong which isnt the case. I was just trying to get the correct information so her and I would both be on the same page but wow that so backfired in my face. She makes me feel like I am such a lousy daughter. If I wasnt as strong as I am I would have ended my life a long time ago but I have so much to live for but sometimes its hard not to just want to be gone and have noone know where you are. She stressing me out about stupid crap sometimes. And when you do tell her something that you know is right she gets mad because you are proving her wrong. Wtf? I cant win for losing with her anymore. Sometimes I do think that it would be better if I did just disappear, seems like ppl would be happier without me in their lives.
I have so much stress right now on how the hell I am going to eat and afford toilet paper to have her add this on top of me is almost unbearable. I dont feel that I am as strong as I used to be. I have lost some of my will and I dont know how to get it back. OH well life goes on right? yeah lets just hope it gets better. I am going for a walk.

new info

My daughter let me know tonight that she does not want to move to Florida now. She said that her and her dad were not fighting anymore and that she likes winter and wants to stay there. I can honestly say that I am hurt that they would not want to come down here with me. Tim and I were talking tonight and I said to him that if my kids would not come down here during the winter months that I would have to go back to Ohio. I told him my kids are what keep me from killing myself. If I didnt have my kids down here with me then I am never going to be happy at all. I want my kids here with me now and not later but I have to be patient to get them down here unless they still dont want to come down here. I will be devastated if they dont come down here with me. I dont know what I am going to do. I seriously have no idea what to do.

sometimes life sucks the big one

I am so tired of working my ass off and being broke. I cannot ask for anymore help from my family so right now I am screwed. My checking account is a negative $65 because of my student loan going in a few days early and I have no money to put into my account to bring it back to the plus side. I have noone that I can ask for help. I dont even know why I continue to try. I am to the point I just want to give up and just disappear. Sometimes I think it would be better for my kids if I wasnt here to drag them down in my stupid and impulsive ideas that I have. I just wish there was some way that my life would get better and I wouldnt have to worry about money on a daily basis. I am so tired of being sad and depressed that something has to change and soon or I dont know what will happen.
This move was supposed to have been a good move but its been nothing like that. I possibly think this could have been the worse decision that I could have ever made. But I cannot go back to Ohio. Not only can I not handle the weather anymore but that would just make me a failure. Guess that makes me a big failure since I have kids that this is concerning. I dont know how I became such a failure on almost everything that I do. I have some happiness in my life but for the most part my life has been miserable and I would really like to know what I did in this life or a previous life that would make this life so hard and miserable.

Happy Bday to my little girl who is not so little anymore

Happy 13th Bday to my daughter. I cant believe that she is 13. I am just so sad that I am not there to share it with her. I miss her and her brother so much that it hurts. I dont know what I am doing here when I should be home with them. Anyways Happy bday to my little girl who is not so little anymore. I love you soooooooooooooo much.

depending on others

I absolutely hate that I have to depend on ppl to take me and take me there. I wish I could come up with the money to get my car fixed so I do not have to depend on anyone to take me anywhere. I could get a better paying job if I had my car, I could get my kids down here faster if I had my car so I could get another job. Life really sucks right now and I dont know how to change it. Part of me wants to go back to Ohio but thats only because its easier to go back to what I know than to stay here and fight for what I want. All this stress is taking its toll on me. I feel sick to my stomach constantly and have a permanent headache from worrying so much. Normally I can find a way out of the situation that I have gotten myself into but this one is different than most. Its been forever since I have been this dependent on anyone else and I am so independent, its so hard to ask for help.

Happy Bday to my little man

Happy 9th bday to my little man Riley. I miss them so much. I cant wait to see them in 11 days. Noone in my family knows anything about me coming home on the 12th. I am so excited and want it to be this Saturday that I see them but I have to be patient and wait 11 days. UGH. I just want to hug and kiss them and hold them forever. I never imagined that I would be this far away from them. If Tim takes that job on the ship then I could get them down here so much faster cause I would be able to have the house for us to live in. I would love to get them down here but I know that they wont want to leave right now. Riley has his friends there and Nelika is involved in soccer now. Part of me wonders if I wouldnt have done this move what my life would be like right now.

Happy bday Riley, I love you sooooooooooo much

feeling helpless

I feel so helpless right now. My car is still broken down and I have no money to get it fixed. I am stuck in another state with no real friends and having to depend on a boyfriend that I dont even know I want to be with anymore. I miss my kids and want them here with me now but I dont have the money to do that either. I hate this feeling. How is it my life turned out this way? This is not what it was supposed to be like. I was supposed to have my kids, a great job, nice house in a state that never sees snow and a great car. On another note, I cannot wait to go back and see my kids. They will be so shocked when I show up at the house. I am going to tell them that I thought I should hand deliver their bday money LOL. I dont know tho if I am going to want to come back after being with them for 4 days. I was hoping that Chad would have gotten back to me today and that he will let me borrow the money to get my car fixed so I can drive back and find a job that pays better with benefits. I will probably work parttime at the resort for a few so I can save up some extra money but I need need my car to get another job that pays ALOT better. Then I think about the bonuses that we would get during the busy time of the year and I dont want to miss that so that is why Iwill stay on parttime. I got screwed out of it last month and this month we are not going to get one at all. Which really really sucks. Story of my life tho.

life sucks the big one at times

I am so depressed right now that I really dont even know what to do. I miss my kids so much and just want to hug and kiss them and hold them forever. The only reason I am staying in Florida is because I have a job here and not in Ohio. I am seriously thinking of going back to Ohio tho because I am working here but not making any money at all! Then my sister tells me that Ohio is supposed to have a very cold winter this year and that is something that I want to avoid. If I had my car I could find a better paying job and not be so stressed like I am right now. I really hope that my friend that I am going to talk to tomorrow may let me borrow $500 to get my car fixed. I dont know what I am going to do if he doesnt. Nothing is ever easy for me. No matter what decision I make or what road I take it always gets messed up! I am so tired of having bad luck only that its really starting to get to me. I should have gotten that $100 bonus at work but no that didnt even work out.
I want to go home and surprise my kids for their birthday party but I dont know how I am going to do that and pay rent and pay the phone bill. That will leave me with like $5 for 2 weeks. So life sucks the big one right now.

my dad

My dads birthday is today and its the first one since he passed away in Nov '08. I really missed him so much and wish I could see and talk to him. I talked to my step mom today and she is still a complete mess. I was completely shocked by some of the things that she was telling me on the phone. But I cannot go into on here. Not that anyone cares about this stuff but this is a way for me to get it out of my system. I am so tired right now that I can not even think of what to write. Its my Step Aunt's bday today also she passed away 4 years ago.
Happy bday Dad and Dotty. I love and miss you both very much!!!

lots of drama

Well since Monday its been drama filled for me. I had a couple of friends that live a couple hours north of me come to visit and all hell broke loose man. Monday night was ok til my friend's bf got pissed because we requested Poison and the dude played Every Rose Has Its Thorns. Her bf got so pissed he stormed out of the bar like a 2 yr old would stomp out after being told NO. Well she finally got him calmed down and we dropped them off at the resort and me at my place and my bf went home. The next day we spent the afternoon out on the boat, had a good time then we all went to dinner even better time. We then went to another bar GREAT TIME then back to my bf's house after stopping to get more alcohol. After a few I couldnt take anymore(getting old) so I went to bed and passed out. Well the next morning I found out what all I slept through. I guess my friend's bf started calling her all sort of names and she slapped him across the face and he slapped her so hard that there were still welts of his fingers on her back the next day. So the cops were called and he was arrested. Think the drama ended there WRONG!! We take her to the courthouse he has already been there so we go to the jail and he refuses to see her(really who wouldnt?) but she doesnt have important things like her wallet and he will not give her the keys to get it. The bail bondsman drops him off to his truck and he leaves her there in the keys with no way home and throws out her wallet. Guess what? She cannot get her wallet until Tues because they only have one person that handles personal effects and she isnt in til Tues. So they are mailing it to her bf's house. Yet she isnt supposed to have contact with him til they go to court. How is she going to get her wallet if its mailed to his house and she is to have no contact with him??? pretty messed up if you ask me. No more drama I hate drama!!!

boredom

Now I remember why I didnt like living alone I am soooo BORED its not funny. But in the same breath I love the peace and quiet and not having someone follow me around. I still feel weird renting a room on the bottom of someone's house but I had to get out of living with my bf that was just not working at all. I miss my kids so much though that it makes it hard to get my brain to shut down to go to sleep. I know that I am doing this to better our lives but a part of me feels so bad having them stay in Ohio while I get things going down here. One day I am ready to go back to Ohio and the next I am staying in Florida. I hate having this struggle within myself.

moved into the studio apt

I got my own place so my bf and I wouldnt end up hating each other living together. I moved in 2 nights ago and I must say that I havent lived alone in a long long time. I was originally saying it had been 19 years but I forgot about my little 2 month move to Cincinnati by myself and that was 15 years ago. Still a damn long time. Its weird not having someone around all the time. I like the time to myself right now but I wont be able to stand it for too long and I will have to bring my kids down with me even if its still in the studio apt there is enough sleeping spots for all 3 of us but it would be a little crowded with clothes and stuff. I miss them so much and I cant wait to see them. I am hoping that their dad is going to get my car fixed so I can drive it back when I do fly back up. If not my bf said that he would buy my plane ticket for my birthday so I can go see them regardless of my car being fixed or not. I really hope that he gets it fixed. I HATE and I mean HATE not having a car. I hate to have to depend on others to get me from point A to point B when I want.

staying in Florida

So right now I have decided to stay in Florida and work towards my goal of getting my kids down here with me. I have cried everyday because of them being so far away. I know that I am doing what is best for me and my kids just doesnt feel right with them not being here. I miss them so much that it hurts but I talk to them everyday for a few minutes, they are too busy playing outside to deal with being on the phone. I love them so so much. I can not even begin to describe what I am feeling inside. I feel so empty and alone down here but everything will work out in the end. I hope that my kids do not hate me for doing this and think that I am a bad mom for leaving them with their dad so we could move down here. I really hope that I am making the right decision on staying here and trying to make this work. Like my brother told me in a text today that he was proud of me for living the question rather than just asking it.

stressed beyond belief

I feel like I am going to throw up, I am that stressed right now. I so want to be in Florida but I do not want to be here without my kids. I dont want to be in Ohio but that is where my kids are. I can stay down here and do the original plan and work my butt off and get us a place and then bring them down but you are talking like 6 months before that will happen. Then on the other hand, I can go back to Ohio, if I can work it out to get my son to come down for like 3 days and then I could fly back with him and just stay in Ohio. I would have to look for another job but I would be living in my own house and not paying someone else's mortgage again. Lord I do not know what to do. I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see what the future for me and my kids is. That would make this whole process a little easier to handle. I just dont want my kids thinking that I have abandoned them or that I dont want to be with them. I want to be with them so much but I had to do this for me because I was(am) miserable in Ohio. I feel that if I leave Florida and go back to Ohio that I am a failure so I feel screwed no matter what choice I make. I am so not sure what I am going to do but I do know that I am not going to rush this decision. I dont think that it would be wise because I rushed the move here and that didnt work out so well for me as of yet. Maybe I will stay for a couple of months and then I will go back but that puts me going back in the freaking cold winter months and that is what I am trying to avoid is the winters in Ohio. Yeah so not sure what I am going to do.

might just have made my decision

Its almost 2 am and I can not sleep. My mind will not shut down. I think that I have come to the conclusion that I need to go back to Ohio. I really dont want too but that is where I need to be. I need to be with my kids! I love Florida but if my kids are not here then I dont want to be either. Its going to be a pain in the ass finding a new job, trying to get my car fixed but at least I will be with my kids in OUR house. Just how am I going to get back with all my stuff that is here with my in Florida? I cant take it on the plane unless I pay like an extra $100 or $150 to ship it on the plane. It would be cheaper than driving down and driving back to Ohio but me driving back down gives me the ability to bring my son down here since he didnt get to see Florida. Now my mind is going in all directions trying to think of a way to get him to be able to come down for at least a couple of days. I just spent about 30 minutes online checking on flights for my son to come down at the end of the month. He could fly in and spend the weekend with me and then we both could fly back together. $234.60 for his roundtrip and my one way ticket back to Ohio. Then on top of that I will have to pay for more checked luggage so its going to cost me about $400 dollars. So it might have to be a few before I am able to get home but the extra isnt due til we actually check the luggage at the aiport so all I would have to come up with right now is for the tickets and then I will get a check on the 28th and that will pay for the luggage. Sounds like a plan I think. I dont know that my son will like flying for his first time by himself, so that might not work unless he really wants to see Florida. I will probably change my mind tomorrow lol

Self Struggle

I am so struggling with what decision I need to make. Do I go back to Ohio where my kids are or do I stay in Florida and work my butt off to get my kids here? Ohio doesnt make me happy. The winters there just kill my body anymore. Florida makes me happy but my kids are not here with me yet. This isnt how it was supposed to work out. I left a very good paying job(in THIS economy) left my house that I am paying on in Ohio to move down to Florida. I moved here with the idea that things were going to work for me and my bf, we found a house big enough for me, my 2 kids and him. After about 3 weeks of living together we both realized that we could not live with each other, it was not a very good thing. We are much better when we are not together all the time. So now I am at another fork in the road, do I stay in Florida or just go back to Ohio? Part of me wants to go back to Ohio(for my kids only) but I know that I will not be happy in Ohio anymore. Part of me wants to stay in Florida and work at getting my kids down here with me but that is going to take time to accomplish. My life is never easy. I just really dont know what to do. I wish I had a crystal ball and could see the future it would be so much easier. If we are talking about wishing, I wish I would just win the lottery already and then everything I want to happen in my life can. Wishful thinking, just as I said before my life has never been easy like that.

kids and everything else

Just got a call from the kids' dad that he has to take our daughter to the ER because he thinks she may have jacked her nose up by hitting her nose with her knee on a trampoline. NO insurance anymore so this hospital bill is going to be outrageous!!! I dont even want that bill. But she has to go to have it looked at. I hate that I am not in Ohio with the kids and I am really thinking of going back to Ohio but I so do not want to go through another winter. My body can not handle the cold at all anymore. On the same hand though its nice to have time to myself down here. Maybe I will find out who I really am and be a happier person. I will not be happy til I get my kids down here and get my car fixed. I stopped and bought a lottery ticket today so hopefully I will win HAHA yeah right lol but a girl can dream. I had a job interview today for a job that probably had 100 applicants for it so I dont think that I am going to get it. That really sucks too cause the money would have been good and I could keep my fulltime job at the resort and be able to get my car fixed and get my kids down here faster. If I win the lottery I would buy a house here in the Keys and have my kids here in a couple of days, pay my house in Ohio off, pay off my car and buy a brand new car, help my family out and go on a month long vacation to another country. I want to see so many places but dont have the resources to do it right now. COME ON FLORIDA LOTTERY CALL MY NUMBERS LOL

so confused

I am having trouble sleeping tonight. I leave for Florida tomorrow without my kids. I know that I am doing this so I can work my butt off so I can get them down there with me. I dont know how I am going to survive without them. I think that this is going to be THE hardest thing I will ever have to do in my life. Part of me doesnt want to go but I dont have a job here and with the way the job market is its hard to tell how long it would take me to get another job. I have a job in Florida just not enough money to get a place big enough for all 3 of us to live in. I dont want to be without my kids but I am trying to better their lives and sometimes we have to make sacrifices that we dont want to make to meet our goals. I know I am going to be a mess tomorrow having to say good bye to them for what seems like is going to be forever but I will work all day and night if it means that they move there with me sooner than later. I love my kids with all of my heart and soul and I dont know that I can move 1300 miles away for a couple of months until I can get them down there with me. I have a feeling that I will go back to Florida and decide that I cant be without them and just come back to Ohio. I will be miserable but at least I will be with my kids.

busy couple of days

I have been so busy the last couple of days. I cant wait to get back to Florida to rest. Got in on wed night, went to the fair all day thurs then saw Jeff Dunham and Guitar Guy at the Ohio State Fair. It was so much fun. My face and stomach hurt the next day from laughing so much thurs night. Friday night I went out to see a friend that works in a bar, had 2 drinks and then had to leave. She got into an accident friday night on her way home from work. She got hit by a semi and freaked out and left the scene. She is pregnant and just freaked out. Thankfully she is ok. Its Saturday night and I am sitting at the house writing in this blog, oh what I life I led. So, now back to leaving without my kids. I dont know how I am going to do this without having a break down. Its going to be one of the hardest things I will ever have to do in my life. You can not even begin to understand what I am going through unless you have lived it. I really wanted to go see Tonya tonight but that didnt work out. My tooth is killing me and I wanted to get a pain pill from her.

being back in Ohio

I have been back in Ohio since 7-29 and have really enjoyed myself so far. I have made the decision to go back to Florida without my kids so I can bust my butt working to save up money to get us a place and bring my kids down with me as soon as I can. This decision is the hardest decision that I have had to EVER make and I still dont know if I am doing the right thing but one thing I know is I have a job in Florida and that will help me get my car fixed and then if I decide not to stay in Florida at least my car will be fixed and I can look for another job here in Ohio but I so do not want to be here for another winter, my body can not take it. I hope that my kids understand that I am not just doing this for me but for them also. I think they will like living in Florida where its warm all year round.
Now to the whole point of this blog was about moving on from the relationship that I am in so to speak. Well once I am back in Florida and the place I am going to be moving too becomes available that relationship is going to be done. I have so much anger and resentment towards him now. Him telling me that I couldnt use his truck to get back and forth to work is the reason my kids are not coming back to Florida with me. If he would have said yes then the kids would be coming down with me now instead of a few months.

back in Ohio for now

So, I got back into Ohio this evening. After a minor delay waiting to take off because of a storm, its quite boring sitting on a plane for an hour knowing that you are not going anywhere. I ran down the stairs and dropped everything in my hands and grabbed my son and hugged and kissed him and twirled him around. He is so cute. I missed him so much. He has talked my ear off since I got off the plane but we have a lot to catch up on even though we talked every day. lol I am going back to Florida to my job but my kids are staying in Ohio with their dad until I can save up enough to get up a place that we all can live in. Right now it looks like I am going to be renting month to month this studio apt which is ok for now but I want my kids with me. I will be working my butt off to get them down there. The thing with the bf is OVER and done. I am still so mad on how he started treating me after I told him that I didnt want to live with him anymore but that if I got my own place we could continue to see each other and see where it goes and you would think he would be happy but no he turned into a major dick. Well I am beat and I am going to sleep in my nice cozy bed.

still mad

I am still so upset. I still have such a major decision to be made. I want to be with my kids but I need to be where my job is. I have never felt so lost as I do right now. I really just want to disappear until I wake up from this nightmare. This cant be really happening, it has to be a bad nightmare. My car is screwed up and God only knows how much its going to cost to fix it. I have to leave my kids in another state almost 1300 miles away if I come back to the job that I have here. I just really dont know what I am going to do. Part of me wants to stay in Ohio because of my kids, but part of me needs to be in Florida where my job is but my kids will not be here. I dont know how that will make me feel after being away from them for a long time. I never pictured my life like this and I hate that its come down to this.
I know alot of ppl have it worse than I do and I am thankful for what I have but I would so love the bad karma to go away and let me have some good karma for a change. I really feel at times that I have done something so horrible in another life that I am still paying for it now and will always be paying for it. I just wish that I would already paid that debt off and be able to be happy and not a miserable crying mess. Not that money will change all of my problems but it sure would take care of the problems that I am having now. It would fix my car, it would get me a place for me and my kids to live here in florida and have my kids with me where they belong.
I am almost at my wits end and about to throw my hands up and call truce but I am not that weak person I am very strong and will make it through this just need a little help to make it happen a little faster than its going too.

just so so soooooooooo mad

Wow I found out today what a true dick my boyfriend really is. Originally when I moved down here I was going to bring my car but then my car broke down and I drove my boyfriends truck down that was still in Ohio. I fly back to Ohio tomorrow and find out today that my car is not fixed and probably wont be fixed. So now I am stuck with making a very diffucult decision. Do I stay in Ohio and look for another job there or do I leave my kids with their dad and come back down to Florida where I HAVE a job and save up money to get my kids down here as soon as I can? I dont want to be without my kids but it would only be temporary til I can save money to get them down here. Now my boyfriend is telling me that when I come back to Florida that I can not use his truck anymore. Which if it wasnt for my car breaking down and me driving his truck from Ohio to Florida for him then he wouldnt even have his truck. IT would still be in Ohio. I just cannot believe that he actually told me that I couldnt use his truck anymore. Again if it wasnt for me he wouldnt have it to use anyways. It would still be sitting at his brothers house.
He is mad cause its not working out with us living together but we had agreed we would still try to make the relationship work well now I dont want that at all. If he wanted me to hate him then he has accomplished that. I do not even want to see him right now I am that mad.

cars suck

My car broke down the night before I was to move to Florida. The timing chain broke and I had a friend that said he could fix it, well he could fix it if the 4th valve would close all the way. He said its about 1/4 inch shy of closing. He is still working on it tonight but I fly back to Ohio on Weds with right now no way back. I dont want to buy a ticket back if he can fix my car and then lose money on a ticket I dont need to use. But if he doesnt get my car fixed then I have to spend more money on a ticket since its last minute. I cannot stay in Ohio, I have a job here and a possible second job so I need to come back. What the hell am I going to do ? If I have to fly back that means I have to leave my kids in Ohio and I am not happy about that at all.

Moving on

Well I originally started blogging on my life in Florida since I have moved here and realized that its alot to do with what I have discovered about myself that I started a new blog. I have discovered in the last month that I do not want or need to live with a boyfriend. I am not saying that I dont want a boyfriend but I know for a fact that I do not ever want to live with someone again. I love and valve you my space and when I feel that is being taken from me I shut down emotionally and really push hard away. I moved in with someone that I was dating once before but split up for awhile and in 3 weeks I found that I cannot live with him. Its not that he is a bad guy a little weird and high maintenance but a good guy at heart. Maybe a little obsessive too. So, I am now in Florida and have a job but now need to find somewhere else to live. But doing that is easier said than done. I have only been working for 3 weeks and I get paid every 2 weeks so I havent got a full paycheck yet and most places down here for me and my kids(12yr girl and 8 yr boy) can live is so expensive that I may have to move up around lauderdale area or daytona area where the rent is a little cheaper but that means relocating once again, trying to find a new job and a new place to live without have any money is going to be hard. I fly back to Ohio to get my son who wanted to stay with his dad for the summer and have to make a decision if I am bringing them back with me or if I am going to leave them there so I can stay with a friend in the lauderdale area. I could get a job and save up money to get a place for me and the kids. I have one other option and its getting this job I came across down where I live now that would allow me to work it and keep my other job and be able to afford a place for me and my kids for us to stay down here.
I am so confused on what to do. I want to stay in Florida and not move back to Ohio, so thats not what I am confused about. Do I come back to where I am living now with my kids and be unhappy or do I leave them in Ohio so I can get my shit in order here and bring them into a good situation instead of a very tense situation. It would break my heart to leave them in Ohio but it may be the best thing for them til I can fix the mess that I am in and then bring them down.
Why does this have to be so hard? I will feel like a failure of a mom if they stay in Ohio with their dad but then again I look at it as doing right by them. In Ohio they have a house to call their own, their own room and their friends. In Florida I dont know that I could afford for them to have their own room. My daughter and I would probably have to share a room and my son have his own room, if I could afford a 2 bedroom down here. If I was to get this other job I would be able to get a place within a month or 2 and keep my other job too then I would actually be where I could be comfortable and enjoy life instead of stressing all the time and being miserable.